black baby

So it’s been 6 months since my last blog post and in true fashion my life has been hurtling along at 150 miles an hour for God knows how long.

So the latest is I’m pregnant! After trying for 4 months, one false reading (it started to get a bit fraught after month 2), it finally happened.

Having a baby is never straightforward is it? It’s always emotional I guess….you have the women who feel absolute euphoria from the beginning, particularly if they’ve been trying for a baby for a while or feel secure within themselves. You have the women who feel fear from the beginning about possibly losing the baby and instantly wrap themselves both mentally and figuratively in a ball of cotton wool, and you have the women (who perhaps like me) find that they are not unhappy but absolutely terrified about the impact that the new addition will potentially have on their lives.

So I’ve been pregnant before. I got pregnant while in my first year of university. This was 16 looooong years ago and coming from a strict African family my dad was naturally furious at the time. I had shown alot of promise academically until that point and the general feeling (from my family) was if I went ahead and had this child I would basically become a nothing, a statistic, a woman on benefits who would most likely go on to a lifetime of missed opportunities for having a baby so young.

My feelings were conflicted back then. I can remember feeling very alone, I remember the ‘baby daddy’ not being very supportive and I remember crying alot as I tried to make a decision but I also remember feeling strong, optimistic and feeling that this baby would give me the determination and the focus to really make something of myself and prove everyone wrong.

I subsequently moved out of my parents home, went on to have that child and also went on to forge a long and successful career for myself in the City over the following 16 years.

And now – fast forward January 2016

black woman

I find that I’m having a baby again (recently got married) and while I have the most amazing husband I’m scared shitless (scuse the french) about what this will mean for me as a woman – an individual.

I’m an expert in my field but that doesn’t mean I’m indispensable. How will having a baby at this point in my life affect my earnings or prospects for promotion?

I’m intensely independent – I’ve always been able to pay my own way, taken pride in the fact that I can get up and go at a moments notice (locally, geographically). I’m not sure whether I’m really ready to have limitations imposed on me in this way?

My friendship circle is not as large as it was when I was younger – this has happened through a combination of working too hard and moving away from my extended friends and family in recent years (marriage, my old friends have also settled down and moved away – it happens). How will I manage without the support circle I enjoyed before?

And last but not least;

How will I cope with being financially dependent on my husband for 12 months or more? He’s more than happy to step up to the plate, but I’m finding it very difficult to reconcile the thought of having to ask him for money (for things that he might not deem as important), when I’m taking time off for maternity. I don’t want to have to ask him for money if my funds are low. I don’t want to be in the position where I have to haggle with him or have to explain the benefits of shellac nails versus acrylic nails for example or I would hate it if I had to go into detail over the benefits of buying say a Dyson hoover say over a Vax when I might ordinarily just go out and buy the one I wanted (with my own money) without having to pursuad him or even have the debate at all.

So in short;

  • I’m scared
  • I’m excited
  • I’m grateful (after a 16 year gap I wasn’t sure whether it would happen again)
  • But I am utterly, utterly terrified.

On the plus side  I feel that I’m going to enjoy the physical aspect of the pregnancy more this time round, but I can’t shake this feeling that there’s still more that I want to achieve in life and I’m not sure how becoming a mother in my mid thirties will fit in with this.

It’s almost like I’m about to wave goodbye to myself and any dreams and aspirations that I still have. There’s still so much more that I’d like to achieve in this lifetime.

Am I wrong to feel like this?

Am I the only person feeling like this?